When I Miss My Dad

Today is always a rough day for me. Luckily, it will probably be over by the time I post this. 

I'm a naturally positive person, so I automatically revert to optimism instead of wallowing in sadness or anger. However, I want to be pissed off for a few sentences. Like many of you, I hate death. I mean, how stupid is it that people--like your dad--can just die without getting to say a simple goodbye to your face right before it happens? It's really just the dumbest thing ever. It makes me shake my fist. Death can be very cruel. Very uncool.  

Instead of writing about what it was like when he died or the difficult months leading up to his death where we were all taking care of him and having lots of Important Talks, I'm going to write about the things that make me feel at ease when I'm missing him. 

1. When I miss my dad, I think about my family. 

 There is my mom (who is giving me away in this pic), my brother (who is also giving me away in this pic), my mom's boyfriend John (who is kindly holding the umbrella), these ladies...

the sisters, 

my half-siblings, Robert, Cathy, and Barbara. My half-brother Robert and his wife Beth are some of my favorite people. 

My family got bigger when I met Nate, which was great because our family was so small. 

I couldn't ask for a better extended family. 

2. When I miss my dad, I listen to music.

Sometimes I play music. I know how much he liked listening to his kids play the piano. 

My addiction to live music (like this Fitz and the Tantrums show from last month) is due to him. 

3. When I miss my dad, I do something active. 

My dad was pretty sick for most of my youth. An oxygen machine wasn't weird to me because it was always around. I want to be healthy, so I try my hardest to be active because he couldn't be. 

I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was twelve. I'm making up for all of that lost time. And you thought I just liked riding my bike? It's much bigger than that. Muahaha.

4. When I miss my dad, I educate myself by reading or writing or learning something new.

Education was really important to him. 

The 'lil sis got her BA when I got my MA. He would have been super pumped about this. 

Now, would he agree with my view on all things social and political? Probably not, but I would love to have the chance to fight with him about all of it. 

and 5. When I miss my dad, I play my memories like a movie. 

I don't remember his voice anymore, but I remember his stories.

I remember his humor.

I remember when I asked him where we were going in the car how he's always say, "We're going craaaazy." 

I remember him conducting the Saginaw Symphony Orchestra during a Sousa march. 

I remember him tucking us into bed. 

I remember the countless times that I sat in the maroon chair on the other side of his desk. 

There are a lot more memories and I'm so grateful for that. 

Anyway, this Father's Day has been harder than the last few and I'm glad it's officially midnight and Not Father's Day. I don't know why I was especially introspective and sad-sack-esque this year-- things hit us differently at different times depending on the day or hour, right?