"Man Stuff" for a "Man Cave" for Man Crates

I was asked by the community manager at Man Crates Gifts for Men to talk about what I, a womanly woman, would gift a man for his "man cave." First, I need to talk about Man Crates Gifts for Men, and not because they asked. I checked out the website and I'm liking the selection, although my feminist self wants them to be just called "Crates." 'Cuz, yeah I have a vagina, but I would totally like to get one of these and open it with a crowbar.

To be fair, I did take the "Can We Guess Who You Are In Only 20 Questions?" quiz and this was their guess:

So, like, yeah.

They were totes right. I'm just a blond, beautiful, and vapid twenty-something man.

Are these crates really only for dudes? 

I love beer. I want a personalized "Jen" pint glass set. 

I like Snyder's pretzels. I like pistachios. I want this.

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I like meat. I like jerky. I want to try exotic meat jerkies. 

Can this girl get an exotic jerky box from Man Crates, 

or will I sprout a penis if I attempt to eat this jerky? 

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I like candy. I loved Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine.

This is my crate. Can a lady who likes candy and old

school video games get some love, Man Crates?! 

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All I'm sayin' is give the ladies some love or a shout out. If I had to choose between a crate that smelled of roses filled with petals and pink candles and makeup and frilly shit and a Man Crate, I'd choose a Man Crate. 

Now, as for what I'd want if I was to gift the Hubs with items to spruce up his"man cave"-- which will henceforth be referred to as Our Basement. These are the ways in which I would Jen-i-fy Our Basement.

As a supportive and loving BDubs, I am cool with The Hubs having band practice in the basement. So, the basement walls and ceiling might be covered with something like these sexy soundproofing hexagons for when the Hubs has band practice. So much better than ugly foam:

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We'd need a record player with built-in speakers to set next to our other record player (just because we should have two... you know, for portability) in Our Basement:

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Speaking of records, we have a lot of great vinyl that should be displayed, but should also be listened to. We would have a wall of these for easy access and awesome viewing:

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I'd also like to display some vintage prints of when the Gibson guitar factory called Kalamazoo home. The Kalamazoo Academy of Rock has band practice in the old building now:

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And this print of Erykah Badu because we love her:

Actually, I might just buy this print for my office now. [via]

I just saw this pinball machine for the first time the other day and was really pumped about it. Then it ate my quarters and I never got to play. It would definitely be in Our Basement and would offer unlimited plays for everyone, forever:

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We'd need a cool-looking whiskey drink dispenser and whiskey stones for when the Hubs wants a classy hit of the Bird:

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And of course, ALL THE OLIVES and a cold vodka dispenser for when I want a classy extra dirty martini:

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We'll also need this display, you know tastefully tucked into a corner, since we're indulging in our vices:

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We already have this, but I only found one at TJ Maxx and I would buy a lifetime supply of these for Our Basement because they smell delicious, natural, and not like someone sprayed gross cologne all over the room:

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Finally, the uncomfortable love seat would have to go. I'd replace it with, I don't know, fifteen of these felted wool stone ottomans because they look like stones. I mean, wouldn't you? They're badass.

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No TV allowed. We don't want everyone who comes over to just veg out and stare at the screen (or in "man cave" world... The Big Game) instead of rolling around on those freakin' awesome felted wool stones, listening to music, and talking to each other.

Now, Man Crates... can I wear a white linen shirt and khakis and aviator glasses and carry a machete and have a bear cub (I think that's a bear cub) on a leash while sitting next to the other lady in the picture? Can I?

Response: Man Crates tweeted back to me: "We know great taste for fun and flavor is unisex, and we happily sharpie 'Wo' in front of 'Man Crates' upon request." They probably would let me pet the animal in the picture above too. So what I'm saying is, someone get me the Retro Gamer Crate and make sure they use the Sharpie on it, k thx, xoxo.