Tunes for Tuesday: Bowie

My Top Five Favorite Bowie Songs:

1. Under Pressure

The song I listened to the most during my hardest and best year of teaching, 2011.

2. Queen Bitch

My go-to "You're a badass, you're going to have an amazing day/night/presentation/event" song.

3. Fame

My "going out" song in college

4. Space Oddity

Reminds me of my best friend, AJ.

5. Five Years

My go-to sad song.

What are yours?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Whew, I haven't posted in forever. Things got pretty crazy for me in February and March. 

My position changed at my job, which was unexpected. It is really cool, but unexpected and has brought about many feelings. 

The thing with feelings is that I eat my feelings. Excited? Eat. Happy? Eat. Stressed? Eat. Worried? Eat. Eat all the feelings. 

April is almost here and I stepped on the scale today to find that I've put on almost ten pounds in two months. This is what happens when you eat all the feelings. 

I joined a Facebook group about making simple changes every day. That is going to be my focus this month as I get used to a new routine. Drinking water, getting 10,000 steps a day, cutting out the refined sugar, and working out on the regular. These are all things I usually do-- I just really let the ball drop over the last two months. My body is feelin' it and it hurts. 

I'm going to try and write about getting it together this month. If the writing doesn't happen I'm sorry, but not sorry! Things are crazy, but it's good to know my little space on the internets is still here. 

Why, Body, Why?!

I've had the last two weeks off and I've spent them being sick. 

WTF?! 

UGH, so frustrating. I had plans for this break, but my body just decided to shut down on me. I haven't been able to work out except for some gentle yoga and I think I've been taking four naps a day. How is my body going to adjust to going back to work?

The worst part about this sickness is that there doesn't appear to be any medicine for it. I went to the doctor twice and both times she just said in no uncertain terms, "Buck up and wait it out. It's a virus." REALLY?! Nothing? Not even a placebo. Not even cough syrup for my hacking cough.

There's nothing like starting a new year feeling totally unhealthy and like there is no way you will ever be healthy again. I've never been sick for this long. I was a three-days-of-feeling-horrible-and-then-feeling-back-to-normal kind of sick person. Maybe getting into my 30s means being sick for inordinate amounts of time. 

Wah.

Wah.

Wah!

So, this is my first blog post of 2015. Seems like a promising year, eh? 

-___-

Hope all of you are in tip-top shape! Seriously, I do. 

Earworm Wednesday: Vaycay

Like an "I"m leaving town for somewhere to explore and eat and drink" vaycay. Not an "I'm leaving town to go see my family for the holidays" vaycay (even though I absolutely love seeing them).

It's a good thing I got my ticket to Bellingham, Washington last week. I'll be exploring and eating and drinking with my sister and one of my best buds soon enough. Going to Washington in February isn't going to be as warm as I'd like, but it's a place I've never been and there are mountains! I'm so pumped. Plus, we are flying in and out of Seattle-- we are putting aside a few hours to explore the city. I LOVE cities and I can't wait to get lost in Seattle. And Bellingham. One of my favorite podcasts, Here Be Monsters, is out of Bellingham.

I've been trying to stick to my Wednesday earworm posts for consistency-- I have been really busy over the last few weeks and I'm having a hard time finding something to write about. Ideas? Links to ideas? This is something Pinterest can't solve for me.

Today's song is one that picks me up and brings me back to Dakar. Now THAT is a city. I love it there.

Sigh. Get me out of town!!!!!!!!!!

Earworm Wednesday: FKA twigs, Balance, and Strengths

Before I get into some of my random life updates, I need to talk about FKA twigs because I've been streaming the Pandora station for the last two weeks. Speaking of two weeks, Two Weeks is my JAM right now and is my most recent earworm:

Give it a listen.

The other day, I saw this quote on a friend's Facebook page and I can't stop thinking about it:

I've been so grossly busy with work and work and work that I'm having a hard time finding balance. Work is going to be demanding-- it's the nature of my job right now, hopefully not always. Plus, I love working and I LOVE my job. I can't imagine not working. But what I need to do is find a way to balance and live and just breathe. 

I've been trying some yoga at home since I don't want to wake up at 5:00am to make it to a class and I can't make the late classes because I want to hang with dogs and the Hubs. Also, budgeting has been kicking my ass and those classes are expensive! I found Yoga with Adrienne a few weeks ago and I love her. She's funny and real-- I don't feel like she's being fake in her humor and dorkiness. This is the morning practice I did today:

WHEW! I was definitely energized at the end of my practice. I was sweating. I'm going to stick with Adrienne and see if I can't find the balance I've been looking for. Plus, it'd be nice to be able to feel flexible and not stiff again. 

I'm part of a leadership program here in Kalamazoo and I'm so excited about connecting with leaders in Kalamazoo and growing my own skills. As you might have noticed in one of my last blog posts, I try to avoid confrontation. I want to work on that. Last night, I took the Clifton StrengthsFinder as part of the leadership program. It was my second time in two years taking it and I've switched careers and feel like a different person than I was two years ago. I was wondering-- will my strengths be the same or not? 

They were different than before. I'm still trying to figure out what it means. 

If you want to know more about me, here are my top five strengths two years ago:

1. Ideation

2. Positivity

3. Learner

4. Achiever

5. Woo

and now:

1. Learner

2. Communication

3. Positivity

4. Strategic

5. Input

What does it mean?!

Some people think doing the StrengthsFinder is like reading a horoscope-- you read it and say, "YEAH! That's totally me." Power of suggestion. I disagree. It gives you talking points for your strengths instead of your weaknesses-- something self-deprecating people like me need. 

On that note, have a happy Wednesday! I'll be out there looking for balance and trying to figure out my strengths while listening to FKA twigs. Muah. 

Book Proposal Blues: I'm a Negative Self-Talk Nancy

I'm working on a teacher book proposal after over a year of contemplating whether to send my work to some publishers or self-publish. I've done a lot of research on self-publishing and it is way too expensive for me. Sure, I could put it all on a credit card and cross my fingers that I would be able to use the sales to pay back the credit card debt, but Jenny don't play that college way anymore. That "I'm just gonna put it on a credit card and pay it back as soon as the cash flow increases" way. I've did my research and found five publishers who might be interested in my work. I'll send it their way and see what happens. If I sit on this work for much longer 1) someone else is going to publish it or 2) I'm going to lose my steam.

This is a little glimpse into my mind as I attempt my first book proposal ever:

• Read the proposal guidelines from each publisher. Think, "Oh, dude, I've got this."
• Read the proposal guidelines again. Think, "Pshhhh, I'm dumb. This be too hard."
• Read the proposal guidelines again. Think, "Oh em gee. I can do this. I'm getting started."
• Print the proposal guidelines. Write all over the guidelines to make sure I get what I'm supposed to do.
• Think, "I should have tried to publish some articles on this, but how do you publish articles that are the length of a book because that's how long it would have to be to explain what I'm trying to explain." 
• Google "how to write an academic book proposal" and "academic book proposal templates."
• Get started, even though I have no idea what I'm doing.
• Think, "Ugh, this is so much work. Everyone gets rejected their first time and do I want to do this much work for rejection?" 
• Eat some string cheese. 
• Start again, thinking, "Listen woman, if you don't do this you'll wonder 'what if' forever. So just do it. God."
• Sigh in exasperation.
• Eat some Haribo Sour Spaghetti. 
• Move computer away from the kitchen. 
• Write an email to the acquisitions editor with all of my unanswered questions. Get way TMI with the email. 
• Contemplate not sending the email because I don't want to get laughed at. 
• Send the email. 
• Walk around the house looking at how dusty everything is. 
• Sit down at the computer to start chapter summaries. 
• Repeat this mind cycle for every part of the book proposal. 

When I Miss My Dad

Today is always a rough day for me. Luckily, it will probably be over by the time I post this. 

I'm a naturally positive person, so I automatically revert to optimism instead of wallowing in sadness or anger. However, I want to be pissed off for a few sentences. Like many of you, I hate death. I mean, how stupid is it that people--like your dad--can just die without getting to say a simple goodbye to your face right before it happens? It's really just the dumbest thing ever. It makes me shake my fist. Death can be very cruel. Very uncool.  

Instead of writing about what it was like when he died or the difficult months leading up to his death where we were all taking care of him and having lots of Important Talks, I'm going to write about the things that make me feel at ease when I'm missing him. 

1. When I miss my dad, I think about my family. 

 There is my mom (who is giving me away in this pic), my brother (who is also giving me away in this pic), my mom's boyfriend John (who is kindly holding the umbrella), these ladies...

the sisters, 

my half-siblings, Robert, Cathy, and Barbara. My half-brother Robert and his wife Beth are some of my favorite people. 

My family got bigger when I met Nate, which was great because our family was so small. 

I couldn't ask for a better extended family. 

2. When I miss my dad, I listen to music.

Sometimes I play music. I know how much he liked listening to his kids play the piano. 

My addiction to live music (like this Fitz and the Tantrums show from last month) is due to him. 

3. When I miss my dad, I do something active. 

My dad was pretty sick for most of my youth. An oxygen machine wasn't weird to me because it was always around. I want to be healthy, so I try my hardest to be active because he couldn't be. 

I didn't learn how to ride a bike until I was twelve. I'm making up for all of that lost time. And you thought I just liked riding my bike? It's much bigger than that. Muahaha.

4. When I miss my dad, I educate myself by reading or writing or learning something new.

Education was really important to him. 

The 'lil sis got her BA when I got my MA. He would have been super pumped about this. 

Now, would he agree with my view on all things social and political? Probably not, but I would love to have the chance to fight with him about all of it. 

and 5. When I miss my dad, I play my memories like a movie. 

I don't remember his voice anymore, but I remember his stories.

I remember his humor.

I remember when I asked him where we were going in the car how he's always say, "We're going craaaazy." 

I remember him conducting the Saginaw Symphony Orchestra during a Sousa march. 

I remember him tucking us into bed. 

I remember the countless times that I sat in the maroon chair on the other side of his desk. 

There are a lot more memories and I'm so grateful for that. 

Anyway, this Father's Day has been harder than the last few and I'm glad it's officially midnight and Not Father's Day. I don't know why I was especially introspective and sad-sack-esque this year-- things hit us differently at different times depending on the day or hour, right?

Those Killer Kids

Working with youth is killer. Leaving one group of youth to work with another is even more killer. It's like breaking up with hundreds of people-- that sounds kind of weird, right? But teaching is love. It's a weird kind of love, not--hopefully, please God--romantic love, but this labor of love that is very consuming.

That's what I did this school year-- my seventh year of teaching and my eighth year working with youth. I left students I truly loved in a place I was beginning to hate for a new group of students in an ideal setting. Kids are kids wherever you are, right? My current students are amazing and I'm quickly growing a new place in my heart for them. However, sometimes I think I should have moved to a new town for a job in this field instead of staying here. This break-up has been hard and I've left myself with the remnants of my first group of lovable youth: I see them everywhere I go.

I see them at the coffee shop, when they somehow find my email address and ask me if I'll revise their papers with them.

I see them at the grocery store, when they throw their arms around me and ask how I could leave and what happened and where did I go?

They're at the gas station, hopping over the counter to enfold me in big bear hugs while telling me all about college.

I see them on Facebook, when students I had six years ago wish me a happy birthday or students I had last year message me to make sure I'm alive and where did I go?

I see them sending me playlists on Spotify because a new album came out and they knew I'd love it.

Not to continue in this melodramatic vein, but it all kind of kills me.

Today I watched a mentee I worked with through four years of crazy hurricanes of ups and downs walk across the graduation stage and I nearly broke into pieces because I felt so happy. Someone touched me on the shoulder to say hi and I almost shattered from the sheer joy of that moment. When you're a teacher you hardly ever see the fruits of your labor. I felt like an effing overflowing cornucopia tonight. It's extremely difficult not to romanticize a job that treated you like shit when you loved one big part of it. After the ceremony, I couldn't stop crying-- but I couldn't decide if I was wholly happy, nostalgic, happy-sad...  I'm left feeling conflicted, and to be honest, kind of homeless.

Those kids are killers, let me tell you.

Weekend.

Image courtesy of: 54 Beautifully Offensive Desktop Wallpapers

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. 

Bumpy Ride

The last week and half has been quite a whirlwind. We had a death in the family that came completely out of nowhere. It has left us all shaken, confused, and drained. Life is insane.

Something I've taken away from this experience is that it is even more important for me to try new things and do something with my life that makes me happy. I don't want to be dragged into complacency. I have this feeling of urgency, this feeling that I HAVE to do something. I am not completely sure what that something is, but I'm going to keep my mind open to anything.

Who knows what is going to happen at any moment in our lives? It sounds so cliche, but any of us could die tomorrow and I don't want any regrets.

I Need a Detective

Ever since I got back from Senegal in July, I've been having an existential crisis. It started when I was there and doing research every day. Reading, writing, going around town, interviewing people, learning a new language, talking to colleagues about my research... it was so freaking cool. All I could think about was how much I wished I could do work like that every day. 

When I started teaching again in the fall, I thought that maybe this feeling was just boredom. Then I felt riled up because of the kids behavior. If only they'd seen what I'd seen, read what I'd read, and expanded their minds! Maybe they would realize that what they are capable of and get it together. 

I immediately tried to figure out how to make it happen. Then fate stepped in and I hooked up with Urban Youth for Africa, which is one of the best things that has happened in 2011 to help combat my conflicting feelings.

However, I've been feeling so discouraged. I feel like the public school system doesn't work for the kids who need it the most. I've seen so many kids come and go over the last five years. Sometimes the ones I get closest to get stuck in these downward spirals... I can't describe it. In my mind, education is supposed to empower kids to think for themselves, to cultivate a passion for something inside of them. Can I really keep working so hard every day to just keep fighting those downward spirals year after year after year? That is what is going to happen to me. I'll keep fighting, having small victories, but ultimately feeling discouraged. I won't give up, but fighting so hard is so tiring mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

I started thinking about getting my doctorate because I liked the research part so much, but then I freaked out because the schools I like are in Chicago and Boston. We have a life here and that would mean a big change. A house change, a salary change, and a lifestyle change.

I just want to get together with a group of people and start a school! How?! 

I'm going to go watch I Heart Huckabees to deal with my issues! I need some existential detectives to sort through my trash and help me figure out what I'm doing with my life. 

Hanging My Head

Watch out... whiny blog post below.

Fifth year teacher burnout is quickly approaching. As a result of this, last Friday I did something kind of stupid crazy different. I gave up my plan period to take over an English 12 class. I needed a change from the 9th graders.
I now have five classes a day to plan and grade papers for:
1. Honors English 9A
2. Remedial English 9B
3. English 9B
4. English 9A
5. English 12B

This is forcing me to become more organized and I needed it. My students are a different story. I find them becoming more and more disorganized and disrespectful. Today a girl I normally joke with said to me, "Fuck you for thinking you can say I have to leave, fucking bitch."

That's cool.

I don't really know how much longer I can last in such a hostile environment.

The mood in this post is not one that I would want to shower on even my worst enemies. Sorry. But because I always attempt to resort to optimism to prevent the waves of cynicism from taking me under, the minute kids left my classroom I blasted the song belong and rocked out...