Seriously though, how many bloggers have used this title to explain a long pause in their posts because they were pregnant? Probably a lot.
I posted this on my personal Facebook on Friday:
This whole expecting-our-first-child-thing is very exciting and something I've wanted to blog about for so long. If you know me, you know that's a long time to keep my mouth shut. I was carried away by the anxiety of "what-ifs" for the first trimester of this pregnancy. Then twelve weeks came and went and I thought maybe we'd post something about this on social media at thirteen weeks, then fourteen, then... ? I really enjoyed telling people face-to-face throughout the summer. Here I am today at 22 weeks. More than halfway there!
There is so much to say about pregnancy-- from weird cravings, to body changes, to adventures dressing yourself when pregnant. My focus right now is my old demon of food and eating changes. You think you've got your disordered eating together after years and years of figuring it out when BAM! Pregnancy hormones! -__-
My other focus right now is trying to really and truly figure out my work-life balance. Basically, I have none. This summer I was so freaked out by being pregnant that I was trying to make Big Life Changes like a madwoman. Let's sell our current house and buy a new and bigger house! Let me find a new job where I don't have to travel so much! Let me get my book to my editor as soon as possible so it will come out before the baby is born since I won't have any time to write it after the birth! Let's change everything about our current lives since it's going to change so much in February that we should just rip the band-aid off and do it to ourselves now! You might guess that none of those things happened because naps.
So the summer was a little bit of bust because I couldn't do much and I was working like it was my job times four. Although I wasn't very sick during the first trimester, the summer heat made me feel gross and I subsisted on soft serve vanilla cones. I worried about every twinge or lack of twinge in my weird and changing body.
My life all the time, but especially this summer.
The best thing that came out of this summer is the renewed admiration I have for the Hubs for just being him. I'm very anxious and he's very patient. I love him. He even put in a taller privacy fence on his own this summer with no help from me. I looked at the post hole digger and was like, "I'm tired."
Feeling more like myself again, just big. Starting a thirty day yoga challenge tomorrow. I'll post daily on Instagram and write a wrap-up here.
Peace and love to everyone still reading this little blog! I just started really feeling the baby move over the last week and since this is the first time I've settled down all day it's like a dance party in my womb.
The violence in Kalamazoo since the new year began has me tired.
Angry.
Sad.
I've been getting into Google search holes of reading everything related to what happened here on Saturday. Reading about the victims, details, gun control, mental health awareness, racial double standards, white masculinity in the United States... yesterday morning I looked up and an hour had gone by. Then another.
Then I stopped. And I thought about my job.
I work for a youth leadership organization that is rooted in the community, We do community work every day. Yesterday, I did a variation of what I do every day, what makes my job amazing and enjoyable-- I talked to people in Kalamazoo about upcoming community events, community projects, ideas for improving the community. It gave my tired soul some energy.
Last night, we had one of our twice-monthly meetings and we opened the floor to our young people. Many of them expressed anger that they didn't get to talk about what happened at school. That in 2016, the thought that you could easily hide what is ugly from the youth if you don't talk about it is an idea I can't even entertain. Their conversation moved me-- let's come up with ideas to raise awareness, let's do something, let's give ourselves time to grieve, let's understand, we can't understand... I love them.
After our conversation, we moved outside for a small gesture to send something good out into our community. Each of us took a glass votive and on it, we wrote what we want to put out there to Kalamazoo.
Hope.
Healing.
Strength.
Change.
We lit our candles and stood together in community. We left them burning until the end of our meeting.
I listen to music all day at work, every day. Yesterday, I couldn't do it. But last night, after the conversation and candles on my way home from a very long day of work, I passed through downtown Kalamazoo. As I drove by every news truck stationed all over our small city, the tears flowed while Death Cab for Cutie played in the background. Now I can't stop listening to music.
Today, I'm listening to music that heals me. These are the songs that pulled me out of bed early this morning.
I love a good challenge. In 2014, I tackled the challenge of cleaning out my junk room, which I called The Purge and you'll be happy to know the room is still fairly clean. I'm happy to know I can keep a room clean for longer than one day.
Before The Purge, I did what remains one of my favorite blog and life projects thus far: My 30 Before 30.
In January of 2015, I did a 30 Days of Yoga challenge, which became almost 365 days of yoga.
In September of 2015, I did a Whole30 challenge, which started changing the way I think about food.
Are you seeing the trend here? I can commit to a challenge. And if the word "thirty" is in it? Psshhh, I'll commit to it so much harder.
You'd never doubt this girl's commitment to Sparkle Motion.
2016 means I've had this blog for ten years. I didn't start my blog with a purpose, which beginning blogger sites say is a no-no. I think ten years ago I was supposed to decide if this was a teaching blog, travel blog, lifestyle blog... and I never did it. I've had fun moving from topic to topic, from trip to trip, and creating my soundtrack along the way. I'm going to keep doing that.
This special anniversary calls for a new blog project, which is why I've decided to take on a year of thirty day challenges. I'm calling it A Year of Thirty Days-- creative, right? I'm sure other bloggers have tackled this task in the past--and after a Google search, I found one--but I "thought" of this challenge after a Pinterest binge, where I'd meant to go to sleep early so I could tackle the next day with abandon but instead fell into a Pinterest hole, pinning every 30 day challenge that sounded like it could make my life more sparkly and fun.
Before The Purge, I pinned so many 30 day declutter challenges and 30 day cleaning challenges that you'd think my house looks like it belongs in a magazine. It doesn't, because I never did those challenges.
Me, in a nutshell.
I wondered what would happen if someone just lived their whole life by thirty day challenges-- if they actually did the challenges they pinned. Would their lives improve? Would they gain new and amazing habits? Would they crumble under the pressure of doing something every day for thirty days? Would they give up because of laziness?
I've decided to be that person-- for one year.
Some of the challenges already have infographics and plans-- thanks Pinterest! Others, I'll have to put together on my own. Here's the plan so far:
The holidays left me feeling very unhealthy and I'll be getting back into a routine with two challenges I've completed before. I didn't do them at the same time, so we'll see how this goes. I've got some great friends signing up for both of these challenges and I can't wait to talk about it with them! My main goal is to wake up early to complete my yoga for the day and make a delicious breakfast. When I was a teacher, I woke up at 5:00am every day-- now it's hard to get out of bed before 7:00am.
The Tentative Other Months: If you've heard of a great thirty day challenge, please send it my way and I will try it out. No fitness challenges, please! I like my yoga and triathlons. A plank-type challenge could be fun, but I want to go beyond the fitness challenges.
The month is short and we're going to Washington in March on vacation, so it seems like a good month to save some money and assess my spending. The self-love part seems like an important follow-up for the month after a Whole30.
I'm going to set aside some time to read-- I'm hoping for an hour a day. When I was an English teacher I had to read everything new in YA to stay up on the trends. I also read and re-read the books I was teaching many times throughout the year. Now that I'm out of the classroom, I've fallen out of that important habit. Drinking more water is something I always vow to do-- maybe with a chart I'll actually do it. April: Writing or Music or Life History Interview Challenge
I will be traveling for work for two weeks in April, so I need something I can do on the road. I'm not married any of these April ideas, so if you have anything you want to throw my way that doesn't have to be done at home, please do.
I heard a podcast about how drinking green smoothies every day can make you feel awesome, even if you don't do anything else. I'll try it and let y'all know how it goes.
I suck at cleaning. Maybe I'll be better at it if I make it a challenge?
July: Some Kind of Relationship Challenge
I'm going to take other relationship challenges and create my list from those. Some of the ones that already exist are a little too saccharine for me--ie "Slow dance in the living room together to your wedding song." That's not our way. I usually don't involve the Hubs in my blog projects, but I'm going to try it this month.
For the second anniversary of The Purge, I will spend this month purging even more stuff from my house.
September: Whole30 #3 and Piano Practice Challenge
September is a great month for Whole30, so even though I plan on going full Paleo this year, it will be a good time for a reset after a hectic summer. I'm also going to practice piano every damn day and relearn a few of my favorite songs. This goes back to a Thirty Before Thirty goal that I never completed.
Go off of social media for thirty days? I don't set myself up for failure. This challenge is just the right amount of minimalism for me!
November: NaNoWriMo
I WILL get to 50,000 words in 2016. I've attempted two National Novel Writing Months. This year, I'm tackling this with abandon. I'm going to join the NaNoWriMo community in my town and go crazy on this word count.
December: Letter and Note Writing Challenge
I love getting letters and notes. When I was a teacher, I used to write a letter to every single one of my students at the end of the year. Sometimes, that was 120 letters. I've gotten out of the habit of writing letters and notes, so I commit to writing thirty-one of them in December and mailing them out. It will be a great way to end 2016.
So there it is, my Year of Thirty Days. I'll try to create pretty infographics for the months that don't already have them. Wish me luck!
I've been doing yoga since I was diagnosed with PTSD my first year of college. The doctor at the health center on campus told me I had to take medication, which I told her was fine for a little while, but I wanted to make sure I didn't have to take it for a long time. We talked about what I did for stress and I told her about journaling and running. She told me to keep journaling and to try yoga and we'd check in after a few months. I practiced yoga and meditation a few times a week that year and was off of medication after six months. I knew this was the start of a beautiful friendship between yoga and me.
In the thirteen years that followed, I did yoga one to two times a week sporadically. I thought of it as one of my workouts, something I did in between running when it was time for a break. I always found comfort in yoga, especially this video, which I had on DVD from the sale rack at Barnes and Noble and used for years and years.
Yolanda Pettinato's voice was my favorite and that one-piece leotard? Pulling. It. Off.
In September of 2014, I found Yoga with Adriene when I did a Google search for "morning yoga." I started doing this video a few times a week and then decided to tackle her 30 Days of Yoga Challenge in January of 2015. I wrote about it here and here. I went through some crazy job changes at work at the end of January 2015 and wasn't able to finish blogging about 30 Days of Yoga.
Since January, I've attempted to do yoga every day and it--specifically Yoga with Adriene-- has changed my whole life. The longest I went without a video practice from YWA was about three days when things got too busy or I was sick. However, even on days where I couldn't find time to do a video, I did what Adriene always says--I tried to "find what feels good" for me that day... a forward fold in the shower, laying myself on the floor with my legs up on a wall, three deep breaths in the bathroom stall at work. I've done this every damn day this year. I just love that hashtag: #yogaeverydamnday
There are the things I can't do... yet. I can't do a handstand or twist my legs in cool directions. I'm not flying in crow pose for longer than five seconds. I can't touch my foot to my head while balancing on a rock in the ocean. I mean, I hope that maybe I'll be able to do that someday, but how about some baby steps?
These are things I did in 2015 because of yoga:
-I spent nearly every morning with Hannah the dog in the first part of 2015. She loved being on my yoga mat with me and I'll never forget our precious time together before we lost her in April. Now I have an awesome and relaxing morning routine with our dogs.
Nipsy preferred her bed, but she still hangs out during yoga.
-I made it through a stressful job transition, breathing deeply all along the way.
-I stopped making excuses about not being able to find time for yoga. I've done yoga in hotel rooms (and lobbies) and Airbnbs all over the United States. :)
-I became okay with my giant feet. They are strong as hell and I don't care if they are out for everyone to see!
Takin' the dogs out for a walk.
-I found a way to deal with my anxiety about the future-- again, the breathing thing.
-I lost weight, but I don't know how much because I stopped weighing myself in 2015. It didn't feel good to always rely on the scale to tell me whether I was going to have a good day or not.
-I got to know our new addition, Louis, through yoga.
He likes the mat too. Nipsy still chills in her bed.
-I tried a new way of eating with the Whole30 challenge. I knew I felt awesome from doing all of the yoga, but my stomach wasn't feeling great. I pushed myself to try strict Paleo eating and found that it is the best way for me to eat. I wouldn't have done it without the discipline of daily yoga practice.
-I tried new yoga-related things, like an event in town called Pedal to the Mat, where we rode bikes and did yoga outside. I was too self-conscious about doing something like this before 2015.
Yoga with live music-- definitely something I'd do again.
-I did 30 days of power yoga with Adriene through her Empower program in August. Most days, I can now lower myself into chaturanga without flopping onto my belly. I also have a nice little line where my tricep is. I sang this song to myself whenever I struggled with chaturanga... hehehe
But the best thing I haven't done because of #yogaeverydamnday?
I haven't had a debilitating back spasm since February 2015. I usually have these 3-4 times a year and it is a painful few days full of muscle relaxers, pain pills, and sometimes visits to the walk-in for numbing shots into my back. My lower back still hurts almost daily-- yoga isn't pure magic, y'all--but now some days are less noticeable than others. This is what keeps me coming back to my mat every day. In the summer of 2014, I broke down during a particularly horrible spasm because I worried that when we decided to try for kids my pregnancy would be terrible because of the spasms. I worried that once we had kids, I wouldn't be able to pick said kids up because of the dang spasms. Now I have some hope that maybe one day the spasms will be completely gone and maybe this future pregnancy won't be so horrible and the future kids won't be so hard to carry.
Don't get too excited guys... I'm still just carrying the dogs around.
I never thought I'd get so much from an online person, but Adriene Mishler has been one of the best teachers I've ever had. The community she has created online is one of the most inspiring groups I've ever been a part of. I even got to take a live class with her in Chicago and I felt like a total fan girl.
It's been a great year of yoga. Looking forward to Adriene's free online yoga camp in January. I'll be blowing up Instagram (@jheymossy) every day tracking my January yoga camp adventures. Please join me!
His talk left me feeling super hyped-up about organizing in our community. My absolute favorite quote from his talk, one that will stick with me forever is this:
"The struggle against white supremacy is not only the struggle of those who live under others' boots."
That's something we need to remember, especially when this is happening. In 2015.
Friday, I heard from Gloria Steinem. Coates and Steinem in one week?!? In Kalamazoo, MI?!? Let me tell you, I felt like Babe Pig in the City. Gloria Steinem was a reminder of why I do what I do. Her words didn't move me like Coates', nor did they--at times--feel as well-researched. But at eighty-one, she's got some life-research under her belt, so I can't fault her.
Gloria Steinem is fiesty and full of energy. When someone said their son wanted to know if he could be a feminist, she said:
"Abso-fuckin'-lutely." Bwahahahaha
Here are some other knowledge bombs from Gloria Steinem's talk in Kalamazoo:
On truth-telling, even when it is hard: "Every movement needs a big dose of truth-telling, because that is the basis of consciousness change." and "We have to support each other into truth-telling."
I hope every mansplainer and whitesplainer hears this at least once in their lives: "If you're in a situation where you have more power than the people around you, make sure you listen more than you talk. If you have less power than the people around you, make sure you talk more than you listen."
On race: "Understand that if we made it up, we can unmake it up."
My dad died on this day fourteen years ago. It really and truly sucked.
I feel differently with each anniversary. Last year hit me really hard for no particular reason, just because. It doesn't matter if the year is even or odd or in five-year increments-- some years I cry like a baby over every little thing that happens this day, some years I feel more calm, some years I eat my feelings... it all depends.
This year to reflect on this day, I'm going to use a poetry form I used to use when I was a teacher with all ages because it works all the time, even when you're adult. :)
Yo Dad, I miss you.
I wonder if you'd like Donald Trump's presidential bid and how our discussions over his idiocy would sound.
I hear vaudeville or Gershwin or even the people singing on Prairie Home Companion and my chest aches.
I see new movies that blow my mind and wish I could watch them with you.
I want to give you one more hug.
Yo Dad, I miss you.
I pretend I know more about you than I do.
I feel like you forgive me for my selfish teenage ways.
I touch old pictures on this day and wonder what we'd look like together now.
I worry I'll forget more about you as each anniversary passes.
I cry when I see old round men with white hair and gentle facial expressions wearing suspenders.
Yo Dad, I miss you.
I understand now why you stressed the importance of family.
I say I'm fair to middling sometimes when people ask how I'm doing, just like you did.
I've got the itch to blog again. It's been hitting me hard over the last few weeks. Maybe this marks my return to my dusty blog!
I think this itch is coming from the place that made me redo my whole office last year-- I'm not a teacher anymore, but this time of the year makes me want to start fresh, just like I did whenever I redid my whole syllabus and classroom over the month of August. By the way, I've kept up the cleanliness of my office, although a few piles are carefully placed around the room. However, it is exponentially better in this room this year versus the last seven years.
I've got a few new projects I'm going to tackle over the next few months. I need new blog-writing fodder. If my life improves because of these projects, I won't complain.
1. I'm tackling the Whole 30 Program starting the day after Labor Day (in between business trips). I travel quite a bit for work now and I work odd hours-- my eating patterns have turned to complete poo. Like I feel like poo because of my poopy eating patterns. I want to see if I can do this program for 30 days. Plus, I think I have a serious issue with sugar and maybe this will break me of it. It doesn't seem that difficult. I kid, I kid, it seems impossible. I mostly want to learn some stuff about my body. How does it operate when it's being treated like an award winning race horse as opposed to the penny horse at Meijer?
This doesn't look fun, but I feel like a challenge!
2. I'm forcing myself to learn how to balance my crazy busy schedule with self-care. How will I attempt this? I don't know. I'm getting a new planner that might help me... it's not just a planner-- it's an ACTION planner. This means that I will learn to utilize every minute of my work day, right? I just have to write in it. I'm down to try! I don't want to establish the same unhealthy workaholic habits in my new career as I did when I was a teacher.
3. Speaking of self-care, I'm going to continue doing yoga with my role model, Adriene Mishler. Despite the crazy changes in my life since January, doing yoga with my girl Adriene has remained a constant in my life-- almost every day since January started. Actually practicing yoga daily has made me more aware and appreciative of my body, has built my back into a stronger and more flexible one, and has calmed my anxiety. I lurve it.
My virtual BFF. I see her every morning.
4. I've got to figure out how to clean my house in bits in pieces instead of spending my whole freakin' Saturday or Sunday cleaning. I'm going to try one of these home cleaning schedules that fancy women who probably have sparkling clean homes that smell like lemongrass (and sparkling white teeth that they've whitened on their own with their own homemade whitener) post on their blogs. Specifically this one:
Lemongrass-smellin' house here I come!
I suppose you could say that this year's not-going-back-to-school redo project is focusing on upping my quality of life.
Last weekend, I went to see part one of Mockingjay and I absolutely loved it. I've been a huge fan of the Hunger Games series since it first came out because 1) Katniss is an awesome protagonist, SO MUCH BETTER than Bella Swan and 2) Suzanne Collins throws our materialist society back in our faces and is all like, "This is how it could be someday, people. Think about it."
The Lorde song from the credits is awesome-- it starts slow and then the drop comes and BAM! It makes your adrenaline spike-- but not too much. It mostly made me think about spin class and how this song would be a great one for a hill climb. Sometimes I think about getting certified as a spin instructor if only for the chance to play DJ for an hour.
I spent last Saturday in Chicago at one of my favorite annual events, the Teacher's for Social Justice Curriculum Fair. I wanted to know if the information I'm trying to put into a book proposal is worth anything to people who matter the most to me-- educators and people who work with youth. It is and knowing that people want it was all the validation I needed. I would love to say that I'm above validation, but I'm not. C'est la vie.
I'm ready to spend Thanksgiving with my family and to take a break from social media. I unfriended and unfollowed a lot of people on Facebook yesterday in the aftermath of the Ferguson decision. There is too much work to be done, too many deep-rooted issues in our society to address, too much healing that has to be done-- no use getting angry at acquaintances and having arguments over a status update. If you want to talk about how I feel, let's talk on the phone or over coffee.
Now, on a less (emotionally) heavy note, I must continue baking and cooking for tomorrow's fat pants extravaganza, er, I mean, Thanksgiving. Last night I made a Pinterest recipe and it is AH-MAH-ZING:
I'm a little wary of slow cooker stuffing because I'm worried it will be too dry tomorrow. Hopefully the grease from the sausage keeps it nice and moist, amiright?
When I first saw this, I thought, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, crazy lady?! You gotta speed up and live! Shove as much as you can into a day!"
I immediately thought of this saying today after I rolled my ankle while attempting to go for a cold weather run. Can I just quickly say that when you fall on your face in the summer, you are probably falling in dog pee, but in the winter you feel more disgusted by it because you can actually see the yellow snow everywhere after you fall. Gross.
I was hoping my Sunday would be full of laundry, organizing some paperwork, preparing for a presentation, weather-proofing all of my boots, and cooking. Then I couldn't do any of those things because I can't put any weight on my ankle. I usually hate being immobilized, but I just spent the last five hours icing my ankle on and off and watching Netflix and Hulu. It felt great.
Yes, the next few weeks are going to suck, especially since I was just getting back into an exercise routine, but hey-- that's how it goes. I'm going to stick to the pool and some strengthening exercises and try to keep it together until the ankle heals. That's how I roll. Get it?
Here's to trying to find the good in even the shittiest of things.
Before I get into some of my random life updates, I need to talk about FKA twigs because I've been streaming the Pandora station for the last two weeks. Speaking of two weeks, Two Weeks is my JAM right now and is my most recent earworm:
Give it a listen.
The other day, I saw this quote on a friend's Facebook page and I can't stop thinking about it:
I've been so grossly busy with work and work and work that I'm having a hard time finding balance. Work is going to be demanding-- it's the nature of my job right now, hopefully not always. Plus, I love working and I LOVE my job. I can't imagine not working. But what I need to do is find a way to balance and live and just breathe.
I've been trying some yoga at home since I don't want to wake up at 5:00am to make it to a class and I can't make the late classes because I want to hang with dogs and the Hubs. Also, budgeting has been kicking my ass and those classes are expensive! I found Yoga with Adrienne a few weeks ago and I love her. She's funny and real-- I don't feel like she's being fake in her humor and dorkiness. This is the morning practice I did today:
WHEW! I was definitely energized at the end of my practice. I was sweating. I'm going to stick with Adrienne and see if I can't find the balance I've been looking for. Plus, it'd be nice to be able to feel flexible and not stiff again.
I'm part of a leadership program here in Kalamazoo and I'm so excited about connecting with leaders in Kalamazoo and growing my own skills. As you might have noticed in one of my last blog posts, I try to avoid confrontation. I want to work on that. Last night, I took the Clifton StrengthsFinder as part of the leadership program. It was my second time in two years taking it and I've switched careers and feel like a different person than I was two years ago. I was wondering-- will my strengths be the same or not?
They were different than before. I'm still trying to figure out what it means.
If you want to know more about me, here are my top five strengths two years ago:
1. Ideation
2. Positivity
3. Learner
4. Achiever
5. Woo
and now:
1. Learner
2. Communication
3. Positivity
4. Strategic
5. Input
What does it mean?!
Some people think doing the StrengthsFinder is like reading a horoscope-- you read it and say, "YEAH! That's totally me." Power of suggestion. I disagree. It gives you talking points for your strengths instead of your weaknesses-- something self-deprecating people like me need.
On that note, have a happy Wednesday! I'll be out there looking for balance and trying to figure out my strengths while listening to FKA twigs. Muah.
I hate it. I hate it in all of its forms-- with The Hubs, at work, with rude strangers, with friends--I'd rather let things go and try to deal with it on my own than actually sit down with someone and hash it out.
This is why: I cry during confrontation. Like, every time.
Let me preface this by saying that I cry a lot-- I cry when I'm happy, sad, laughing too hard, angry... I cry during commercials or documentaries like Blackfish. Even when I'm talking about Blackfish I start crying. Even right now, as I type "Blackfish" I could start crying because it's on my mind.
Anyway.
I claim my tears and overly sensitive nature. Crying can be a nice release. I've been making ugly cry face forever.
My best confrontations are the ones with the Hubs because when I cry during those confrontations, I can just say (in between hiccups and sniffles), "I know I'm crying, but we really need to finish this, okay!?" He's okay with it.
I really hate crying during confrontations in my professional life because I want to come off as sure of myself and not a pushover. I once had a colleague yell at me for being a biased liberal who tries to brainwash children into doing too much social justice and what did I do? I started to respond, but then my voice cracked. Sooooo, I walked away and cried in my classroom during my plan period with the door closed while thinking up really good responses for the rest of the day.
How can you sound sure of yourself when your voice is cracking because your throat is SUPER tight and you're making an ugly cry face?
While a mean colleague could make me cry quite easily, I never cried in front of my students unless it was something really horrible, like death horrible. Why was it so easy for me to engage in confrontations with students without crying, but when I'm engaged in any adult-to-adult confrontation, it makes me cry?!
This is what I do in the face of confrontation... nothing. I sit and tell myself that if I'm just positive enough or work hard enough that the confrontation will pass and then I won't have to worry about it. This could end badly.
I need to work on this. But how? How do you work on not caring what other people think? How do you actually talk out what you think and feel without crying? Someone please give me confrontation lessons. I will pay you in baked goods.
I'm working on a teacher book proposal after over a year of contemplating whether to send my work to some publishers or self-publish. I've done a lot of research on self-publishing and it is way too expensive for me. Sure, I could put it all on a credit card and cross my fingers that I would be able to use the sales to pay back the credit card debt, but Jenny don't play that college way anymore. That "I'm just gonna put it on a credit card and pay it back as soon as the cash flow increases" way. I've did my research and found five publishers who might be interested in my work. I'll send it their way and see what happens. If I sit on this work for much longer 1) someone else is going to publish it or 2) I'm going to lose my steam.
This is a little glimpse into my mind as I attempt my first book proposal ever:
Read the proposal guidelines from each publisher. Think, "Oh, dude, I've got this."
Read the proposal guidelines again. Think, "Pshhhh, I'm dumb. This be too hard."
Read the proposal guidelines again. Think, "Oh em gee. I can do this. I'm getting started."
Print the proposal guidelines. Write all over the guidelines to make sure I get what I'm supposed to do.
Think, "I should have tried to publish some articles on this, but how do you publish articles that are the length of a book because that's how long it would have to be to explain what I'm trying to explain."
Google "how to write an academic book proposal" and "academic book proposal templates."
Get started, even though I have no idea what I'm doing.
Think, "Ugh, this is so much work. Everyone gets rejected their first time and do I want to do this much work for rejection?"
Eat some string cheese.
Start again, thinking, "Listen woman, if you don't do this you'll wonder 'what if' forever. So just do it. God."
Sigh in exasperation.
Eat some Haribo Sour Spaghetti.
Move computer away from the kitchen.
Write an email to the acquisitions editor with all of my unanswered questions. Get way TMI with the email.
Contemplate not sending the email because I don't want to get laughed at.
Send the email.
Walk around the house looking at how dusty everything is.
Sit down at the computer to start chapter summaries.
Repeat this mind cycle for every part of the book proposal.
I've written about my dad before and many people who know me know the story below because it's a good story for a late night conversation. Here it is now, written for your enjoyment during this Halloween month. So play this song and read about my Halloween night of 2001.
Before he died, I was lucky enough to have some good conversations with my dad about the big D.
"Jennifer, when I die," he once said, "I am going to haunt you. Then you'll know I'm still around."
"That sounds good, Dad," I replied, laughing. "Promise me that will happen."
Then he died on September 15, 2001-- my second week of college.
I took a week off of school for the funeral proceedings, contemplated dropping out for the rest of the year, decided against it, and returned to Valley One at Western Michigan University. I can't remember going to class at that time. I think WMU had a rule that if your parent dies in your first week of college you automatically get a 2.0 without trying-- that's how it seemed to me. I do remember working because I didn't really know what to do with myself except make sandwiches at The Den, wait tables at Ruby Tuesday, and look for another job to fill my time. I searched through the classifieds and found a job cleaning rooms at The Henderson Castle in Kalamazoo, which is a creepy place in itself.
It was the beginning of October. The man who owned it at the time gave me a job doing odd jobs for him for eight bucks an hour under the table. I'd throw a burned CD into my yellow Discman and put on some kneepads to clean the marble floors of the castle whenever I could fit it into my schedule. He also asked if I'd work as a guide for a haunted house at the Depot building in downtown Kalamazoo:
I don't remember how he was connected with the haunted house, but it seemed like fun to me. I was always up to try anything that wasn't boring. I hate being bored, but after growing up watching movies like The Exorcist and Amnityville Horror, I'm also scared of everything. I thought it'd be fun to work at the haunted house because I could challenge myself to face my fears. Plus, I love fall and Halloween.
I enjoyed the odd job of being a haunted house tour guide that October. I had to don a black robe, paint my face a little, memorize a script, and guide people through what we called, "The Haunt." I would get there after dark, get dressed up, and freak the eff out of people. Everyone who worked at The Haunt was fun and interesting. I didn't talk to anyone about my dad dying just a month before this job started. I just wanted to scare people and flirt with the older guy who played Pennywise in the It room (this is weird if you know that I greatly dislike clowns).
On Halloween, The Haunt was hosting a séance in one of the rooms of the Depot. They had an open spot and wanted to make sure the room was full, so they asked if any of us (the actors?) wanted to fill a seat for free. I've never been one to turn down something free. I quickly volunteered myself and found a seat in the circle.
As we sat and waited for the séance to begin, I found my grieving self very focused on my dad. Are you going to be here, Dad? I thought, over and over again. Will you be here? Will you be here? Will you be here? I snapped myself out of it and snickered at my questions. Working for The Haunt for just a few weeks had helped me see that there was really no reason to be freaked out by ghosts-- it wasn't real.
I'm going to have to interrupt myself to tell you three things that you should know before reading about the séance: 1. Only my parents call me "Jennifer." I never let anyone do it-- until I went to Senegal in 2010 because it sounds so good when someone with a French accent says, "Jennifer." 2. My dad had cancer in his throat, which caused his voice to sound very raspy in his last few months. 3. My dad loved music and musicals from the 40s, 50s, and 60s. He sang to us all the time. 4. Our family had a lot of money issues-- my dad's medical expenses were not cheap. Now, back to our regularly scheduled séance.
The séance began. I didn't know anyone in the room. The medium was a man wearing a navy blue sweatshirt, black jeans, and a baseball cap. He looked like someone's grandpa. I don't know why I remember in such detail what he was wearing. I'd never gone to a séance, but I thought the medium would be woman wearing a turban with moons and stars all over it. He sat on a chair in the middle of the circle and asked everyone to hold hands and not to let go, no matter what happened. Then he said things I don't remember, something along the lines of, "We welcome you to this safe space, spirits, blah, blah."
The lights went out. I was on the edge of my seat.
I felt a warm breeze blow across my face. Nice trick, Mr. Medium, I thought. I couldn't see anything, so I didn't know where the breeze was coming from. Then, I felt a chill at the base of my neck that made my scalp prickle. My eyes squeezed shut in anticipation and also because I always close my eyes when I'm in complete darkness. It makes me feel like I'm in control.
"Kiss me once and kiss me twice and kiss me once again. It's been a long, long time," the medium sang after a few tense moments of silence. My palms went sweaty and I probably gripped the hands of the people on my left and right harder than I should. I knew this song-- my dad loved Bing Crosby. Dad? I thought.
"Jennifer, Jennifer," the medium said in a raspy voice, "I miss you so much. I don't want you to worry about money. I want you to be happy. I love you, Jennifer. I miss you." Then he moved on to a different "spirit." I can't remember the rest of the seance because I was freaking. the. eff. out.
I wish I could say that at that moment, I thought about the conversations I had with my dad about haunting me and smiled at the whimsy of it all. I didn't. The séance ended and the lights came on and I was having a full blown anxiety-grief attack in front of a room of people I didn't know. "HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT STUFF ABOUT ME?! WHO DID YOU TALK TO?" I screamed to the nice grandpa medium, who was staring at the snot running out of my nose in alarm, "How COULD you? He JUST died!" I was crying an ugly cry and a few people in the circle started crying too. The pain was palpable.
The medium sent everyone out of the room and sat down across from me.
"I'm so sorry for your loss," he said. He had kind eyes.
"My dad just died," I responded while gulping in air to stop my sobbing hiccups. "He'd love that song you sang, he called me Jennifer, he worried about my future and money-- we were just emailing about it the week before he died. He loved me. And he died before I could get home so I didn't get to say goodbye even though he said he would wait for me, he didn't. How did you know that? How did you know to say those things?"
"I didn't," the medium said. "It's just a script that I wrote this morning. I feel so terrible about this. This séance is just like a stage play. I'm just so sorry." He took both of my hands and sat with me while I got myself together.
I left the séance room and saw that almost everyone from the séance was waiting for me. "I'm fine," I said in the nasal tone of someone who just finished an intense cry. The people surrounded me, hugged me, and dispersed. I probably gave them quite a scare, but maybe not the one they were hoping to get on Halloween night. A nice couple, who were probably the age I am now, sat outside with me while I smoked a calming cigarette and got myself together. They followed me back to the dorms in their car.
What do you do after losing your shit in front of a room full of strangers? I don't remember, except that I woke up early in the norming of November first, climbed down from my lofted bed, and sat on the futon in our dorm staring out of the window into the darkness thinking, Too soon for haunting, Dad. That was WAY too soon.
***
Note: It's been thirteen years since the séance and when I look back with my adult eyes, I see that maybe it was all a coincidence. Maybe I, in my grief, took everything the medium said and made it relate to me because I wanted needed it to-- the song, the money, the name, the raspy voice. But, maybe I didn't. I recently emailed the owner of the haunted house and asked him if they still do a séance show on Halloween. They said they only did it the one time because of audience reaction. My bad. Happy Halloween month, everybody!
I've always loved clothes. For as long as I can remember, I've been into dressing up, fashion trends, and experimenting with fashion. As a kid, I got yelled at for using all of the tape and newspapers in the house to make paper dresses.
Matching visor, shorts, and socks? Pink My Little Pony purse? Plaid skirt with bows?
Pulling. It. Off.
In high school, I tore through the Salvation Army and thrift stores searching for one-of-a-kind pieces. I even looked into the Savannah College of Art and Design for fashion design, but it was too expensive. I don't love all of my past fashion choices, but I've loved trying it all!
Let's just NOT talk about vests.
When I was a teacher, my favorite compliments about my clothes were, "Oh, Ms. H! My daughter stops by your room every day just to see what you're wearing. She loves your style!"
and
"Ms. H, I act better in your class 'cuz you dress like you care."
and even
"Ms H. you look like a JCPenny catalog lady today." (I responded with, "Thanks?" The kid said it was a compliment. I'll take it.)
My love of fashion was instilled in me at a young age by my beautiful mother, who has always looked flawless. I would spend hours trying on her dresses, shoes, and jewelry. Good thing I got to play with her clothes when I was young, because I quickly trumped her tiny Filipina size by the end of fifth grade.
Wilma makes late 80s fashion look damn good. I don't know if I ever have or will look that good.
I just wanted to give excuses a little background about how I got to be a clothes hoarder. It's my mom's fault!
No it's not. It's mine.
Now. The second clothing purge:
The Hubs was out of town for this explosion of stuff that spread throughout the house. He would NOT have been a happy camper if he'd stayed around that weekend.
After the first purge, I took every piece of clothing and pair of shoes that was left and put it in a pile:
I'm about a third of the way through the pile in this picture. Hannah is helping.
Then I tried on every piece of clothing that I didn't 100% love.
The piles of clothes in these pictures are the rejects.
I gained some new insight into myself as I spent 3+ hours trying on every piece of clothing I owned:
1. My body has changed since became more athletic.
Swimming has made the shape of my shoulders thicker
Biking has made the shape of my legs different.
None of the clothes that I was holding onto for when I finally "got to my goal weight" would even fit me if I ever reached said goal weight. I mean, I looked like the Hulk in some of my old shirts.
Plus, if we ever have kids my body will probably change again and I will really never, ever fit into those goal weight clothes.
They had to go.
2. Blazers just don't look very good on me. It's time to invest in a really, really nice suit or let go of blazers all together.
The pile of ill-fitting and cheap blazers from my first days of teaching had to go.
3. I'm tall-- DUH. How about I stop buying pants that aren't made for tall people?
The pants that I had to pull down every time I stood up had to go.
4. When you have big boobs, you just can't get shirts with high collars that cover your collar bone. It's not a good look. I can't explain it and I don't want to post a picture because I'm already doing enough revealing of my insecurities by posting the before pictures of my junk room. Let's just say the result of a high collared shirt on a busty gal is a mix of frumpy and saggy.
Those shirts had to go.
5. On the big boobs thing... button down shirts don't work and I don't know if they ever will. I need to let go of the idea that button down shirts=professionalism unless I want to invest in a more expensive button down shirt made just for busty gals.
If I had to safety pin the big boob gap it had to go.
6. I used to be so proud of saying, "This shirt was only $5!" or "This is designer and it was only $25!" Then I realized that I still had some of those $5 shirts with tags still on them buried in a pile of other $5 and $25 pieces of clothes that were quickly coming apart and/or didn't look good on me. Just because it's cheap or on clearance doesn't mean I have to buy it. Lesson learned, especially when I had the evidence in a hot mess of piles all around me.
The cheap clothes that didn't look very good on me had to go.
The biggest lesson learned after trying on all of those clothes:
Buy clothes I love that look really, really good on me-- even if they cost a little more, even if they're not on the clearance rack, even if I could get ten $5 shirts for the cost of one good quality shirt that looks good on me and will last for longer than two washes.
Here is the end result of the second purge:
Just like after the first purge, I say seventy pieces of clothing when that was just what was coming off of hangers. It was probably closer to another hundred pieces of clothing and pairs of shoes (plus other random books and trinkets), which brings the grand total of clothing and shoes from my closet purge to something like...
TWO HUNDRED PIECES
Part of this load went to Goodwill because it was Sunday and nothing else was open. The rest went to my sisters, mom, 360 Degrees, and the Free Store in Three Rivers.
I've read about the regret people feel after purging so much of what they own.
I have yet to feel that regret.
I feel free.
I'll be gone for vacation and a business trip over the next week and half, but when I get back, I'll write about organizing what I had left, which was still a lot, but felt manageable.
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